I always try to take time to sit in my grief during Sadie’s Heaven Day and her birthday.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I am always in it, but as you learn overtime to carry grief a little more balanced, it’s always good to sit and feel and remember how far you’ve come.
6 years ago, I woke up on cloud 9. Trent was a first time head coach, we just got back from California on a beautiful family vacation, and we had the world in the palm of our hands.
6 years ago, we laid in bed completely shattered… as if we were just a pile of broken glass unaware what life would looks like now, and unsure how to even begin to put ourselves back together.
Yesterday, as I was looking through my phone, I spent time looking at Sadie’s picture. Truly looking up-close at her sweet face. I still remember her brown eyes (my brown eyed girl) how the color lightened to a gold around her pupil, her soft hair, the curves of her ears, her dimple among her unique cheek. I remember her smell. I remember her bringing me chips at 6am for breakfast… which I gave in a handful of times, and how grateful I am that I did. I remember the smile as she ate the chips and watched Mickey Mouse or Bubble Guppies and the way she danced with her whole body… those are moments engraved in my mind with a million more.
I sat in those moments to remember what it was like to have my only daughter by my side 24/7. I am crushed that God allowed that to be taken away from me, but how grateful I am for the 2 and half years of memories with her, and the 50 years of memories I still think our relationship could have been.
I sat in those moments to remember the fullness of my heart and the wholeness of our family at that time.
I sat in those moments to remember the pain I feel when it’s not masked by smiles and laughter.
I sat in those moments to remember that God is using me, Trent, and my boys for His Kingdom and His Purpose. As hard as that can be sometimes for my earthly mind, my soul rejoices that God entrusts us to use our story for good- Romans 8:28.
I sat in those moments to remember God isn’t done with us. Some days we can feel isolated or feel like so many people have no idea what we’re carrying, but in reality, God is preparing those people to hear our story when the time is right.
I sat in those moments to reflect how far I’ve come, how far Trent has come, and how far Michael and Cole have come; how far we’ve come as a family. I am proud that we allowed God to use us in our most shattered state, and we let Him put us back together as we knew we could never put ourselves back together the way He did.
I sat in those moments to remember that our days are numbered. There was nothing we could have done to stop her going to Heaven that day - no matter how hard we tried.
I sat in those moments to remember that the Lord has blessed our family. Some may not understand that, but the reality is, as I’ve learned through all this, joy and pain can coexist if you let it.
So today, I sit with the pain of losing my sweet Sadie Ann, but I also sit with the joy of her life- what her life was, how it’s used today, and what God will continue to do with it in the future.
May God continue to use all 5 of us on this earth until our number is called and we wake up in Heaven where I know we’ll be greeted by a sweet little girl who says, “Welcome Home, Mommy.”
— Feel free to share with anyone who may need to see God through heartache and desperation.
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